What to Do When Another Woman Is Undermining You at Work

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Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift, where

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we take the key takeaways and action items from

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a full episode and break them down for you. Today,

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I want to pull the biggest takeaways from my

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conversation with Vanessa Vershaw, author of

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The Sisterhood Paradox, because this episode

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really gets to the heart of why I created Loud

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and Lifted in the first place. We talk all the

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time about the boys club and listen, the boys

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club is real. Men have historically had stronger

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networks, more access, more sponsorship, and

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more people opening doors for them, like each

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other. But the part we do not talk about nearly

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enough is that women have not always built an

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equally strong girls club, or heck, even a community,

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in response. We say women supporting women. We

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post the quotes. We attend the events. We talk

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about sisterhood and community. But then many

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women walk into work and experience something

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completely different. They are excluded, undermined,

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gossiped. even quietly pushed out by another

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woman. This is the sisterhood paradox. We assume

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women should naturally support one another because

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we understand many of the same barriers. But

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shared experiences do not automatically create

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healthy relationships. And sometimes the women

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we expect to support us are the very women making

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the climb harder. It's an uncomfortable topic.

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I get it. But avoiding it does not protect women.

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It allows the behavior to continue. So let's

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get into the key takeaways and what we can actually

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do with them. The first takeaway is that not

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every difficult interaction is bullying, but

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real bullying should not be minimized. I thought

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Vanessa made a very important distinction. Someone

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rolling her eyes at you once is not necessarily

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bullying. A coworker being rude in a meeting

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is not bullying. Someone disagreeing with you

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or giving you difficult feedback or simply just

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not even liking you doesn't make her a bully.

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Real bullying is a repeated and intentional pattern

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designed to isolate you, damage your credibility,

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or take you down. It might look like constantly

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leaving you out of important conversations, withholding

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information you need to do your job, spreading

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rumors or recruiting other people to turn against

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you. And because women often use more indirect

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forms of aggression, it might not be obvious

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to anyone watching from the outside. The person

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may appear perfectly pleasant in the meeting

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while quietly making sure you're not invited

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to the next one. This is the part of what makes

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it so damaging. You start wondering whether you're

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imagining things or maybe you're just being too

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sensitive. So the action item here is to stop

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evaluating the situation based on one isolated

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moment and start looking for the pattern. Write

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down what happened, include the date. who was

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involved, what was said, what information was

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withheld, and maybe even who witnessed it. You're

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not doing this because you want to create drama.

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You're doing it because you are in the middle

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of an unhealthy situation and your perspective

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can get cloudy. Documentation helps you ask,

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is this an occasional conflict or maybe poor

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communication, difficult personality, or is the

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repeated effort to damage me? You need to understand

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what you're dealing with before you decide what

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to do next. The second takeaway is we have to

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stop waiting until a situation completely destroys

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our confidence before we act. Women are very

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good at soldiering on. We tell ourselves we can

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handle it. We have dealt with worse. Maybe things

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will just improve. Maybe if we work harder or

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prove ourselves, the behavior will just stop.

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But staying longer does not make you stronger.

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Sometimes it simply gives the situation more

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time to wear you down. Vanessa talked about women

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who stayed until they were almost unrecognizable

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to themselves. Their confidence gone. They were

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afraid to speak up in meetings. They no longer

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trusted their judgment. By the time they finally

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left, they did not have the energy or the confidence

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to pursue their next opportunity. And that really

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stayed with me because we can become so focused

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on surviving the current job that we stop protecting

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the version of ourselves who will need to go

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find the next one. The action item here is to

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start building an exit strategy before you are

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desperate for one. This does not mean you have

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to quit tomorrow or dramatically throw your laptop

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across the conference room. I know that would

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probably feel kind of good, but it means you

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start creating options. Update your resume. Reconnect

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with people in your network. Pay attention to

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other opportunities. Talk to someone outside

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the organization who can give you objective perspective.

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Then ask yourself a very honest question. If

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absolutely nothing changes over the next six

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months, am I willing to continue living and working

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this way? You may decide there's a conversation

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worth having, you may decide the situation can

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be improved, or you may realize you have been

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waiting for someone else to change when what

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you really need is a plan to leave. The third

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takeaway is that supporting women does not mean

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blindly supporting women. Women supporting women

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does not mean every woman is automatically safe.

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It does not mean that every woman's organization

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is healthy. And it definitely does not mean ignoring

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bad behavior because talking about it may somehow

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hurt the broader sisterhood. Real support includes

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accountability. It includes choosing communities

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based on their actual behavior, not simply their

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branding. Because some groups use the right language.

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They talk about community and empowerment and

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sisterhood and support. But the experience inside

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that room can be completely different. So the

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action item here is to audit your circle. Think

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about the women's groups, professional organizations,

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and friendships you're part of. Do the women

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in those spaces genuinely celebrate one another

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when someone succeeds? Do they share information

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and opportunities? Can someone disagree with

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that being pushed out? Do the leaders of the

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group live the values they promote? Or is the

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group supportive only when everyone stays in

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her assigned place? Pay attention to how success

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is treated. Healthy women do not require you

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to shrink in order to belong. Vanessa also made

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an important point that women -only spaces should

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not become your entire professional network.

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Women's groups give us connection and support,

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and that matters. But if you're ambitious and

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trying to grow your career, you also need to

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be in the rooms where decisions are being made,

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even when those rooms are male -dominated or

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uncomfortable, or heck, even on the golf course.

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You need both. You need the rooms that support

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you and the rooms that stretch you and give you

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the visibility that you need. The fourth takeaway

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is probably the hardest one because it requires

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us to look at our behavior, too. It's easy to

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listen to an episode like this and immediately

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start building a list of every woman who has

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ever treated us badly. Some of us probably have

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it saved in our phone. But the bigger challenge

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is asking whether we have ever contributed to

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the problem. Have I excluded someone because

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I felt threatened? Have I ever talked about another

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woman's appearance, personal life, or qualifications

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in a way I would never do to a man? Have I dismissed

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another woman as too emotional, too aggressive,

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or too ambitious? Have I supported women publicly

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while competing with them privately? And have

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I stayed silent when another woman was being

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undermined because speaking up felt risky? This

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does not mean we label ourselves as bullies because

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we handled a situation or two or three poorly.

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Vanessa was very clear that bullying involves

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a repeated and intentional effort to harm someone.

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But awareness still matters. Most of us have

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moments we would have handled differently today.

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Of course, we're human. The goal is not perfection.

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The goal is making better decisions the next

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time. So the action item is to choose one behavior

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that strengthens the sisterhood instead of only

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talking about it. Give another woman credit in

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the room. Share an opportunity. Recommend her

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when her name is not already being considered.

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Interrupt the gossip instead of adding to it.

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Invite the woman who's being laughed out. And

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when you realize you've handled something poorly,

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own it. A genuine apology can do a lot more for

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women supporting women than another inspirational

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Instagram graphic. The final takeaway is about

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having difficult conversations instead of automatically

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disappearing. Sometimes we absolutely need distance

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and sometimes a relationship is unhealthy enough

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that it just needs to end. But when it's safe,

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and appropriate, we should be willing to have

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that conversation. That might sound like, I've

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noticed a change in our relationship and I want

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to understand what's happening if it's with one

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of your friends. At work, it might be, when I'm

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repeatedly left out of those conversations, it

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makes it difficult for me to do my job. Is there

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something we need to address? You cannot control

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how the other person responds. You are not responsible

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for fixing her and you should not expect a huge

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breakthrough from someone who has repeatedly

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show you that she's unsafe. But when a conversation

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is possible, having it allows you to lead the

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situation knowing you acted with maturity and

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integrity because that is ultimately the part

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that we can control. We cannot personally fix

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a toxic organization. We cannot force every woman

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to support other women. But we can decide what

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kind of women we are going to be inside those

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systems. We can become more aware of what bullying

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actually looks like. We can stop minimizing behavior

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that's damaging us. We can protect our confidence

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before it's completely gone. And we can be more

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thoughtful about the communities we join. And

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we can choose collaboration over competition

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when there is room for both of us to succeed.

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This is what I took from the Sisterhood Paradox.

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This is not about blaming women for every barrier

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women face. The boys club still exists, bias

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still exists, unequal systems still exist. But

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those things make it even more important that

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we stop making the climb harder for one another.

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We do not need every woman to be our best friend.

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We do not need to agree with every woman. And

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honestly, we don't even need to like every woman.

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But we should not intentionally be taking each

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other down. So this week, I want you to think

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about two questions. Where might I need to protect

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myself? And where could I do a better job lifting

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another woman? Both matter because building a

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Strongers Girls Club or community is not something

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we just want to say. It's something we have to

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choose to create through our conversations, our

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decisions, and the way we treat other women when

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no one is watching. If you have not listened

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to Vanessa's full episode, I strongly encourage

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you to do so. Until next time, lead louder, grow

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stronger, and don't do it alone.