The Good Girl Rules You’re Allowed to Break

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Welcome to Allowed and Lifted Quick Lift, where

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we take the biggest ideas from our conversations

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and turn them into something you can use today.

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In my conversation with Michelle Minikin, we

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talked about good girl conditioning. And I want

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to start there because I think that phrase can

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be very easily misunderstood. When Michelle talks

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about good girl, she is not describing a personality

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type. She's talking about conditioning. It is

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the set of roles so many women absorb over time

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about how we're supposed to behave if we want

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to be liked, accepted, successful, respected,

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or even just easy to be around. Be nice. Be useful.

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Be agreeable. Don't take up too much space. Don't

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disappoint people. Don't be difficult, prove

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yourself, and keep everyone comfortable. And

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what makes this so sneaky is that a lot of those

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behaviors are rewarded, especially at work. You're

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dependable, you're helpful, you anticipate what

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people need. You step in, you fix things, you

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keep them moving, and you're the one everyone

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knows they can count on. Sound familiar? Look,

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none of these are bad qualities. The problem

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is when you stop realizing you have a choice.

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You start making decisions based less on what

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you actually want or need and more on what will

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keep everyone else happy with you. And that's

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really the point of Michelle's work. This isn't

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about women needing to become tougher or more

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confident or learning how to say no more often.

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It's about recognizing the rules that we have

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internalized, rebuilding self -trust and starting

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to make choices based on what is actually true

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for us. So there were three big takeaways for

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me from this conversation, and each one has something

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very specific you can do with it. Key takeaway

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number one, being capable can quietly turn into

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being endlessly useful. This connected immediately

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for me, for my conversation with Sherlyn Sklenicki

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about competence and how it can become a liability.

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The more you prove you can handle it, the more

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people hand you. And Michelle added another layer

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to that. Sometimes we keep accepting all of it

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because being useful has become tied to how we

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see our own value. I actually learned a version

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of this pretty early in my career. I worked for

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a woman I really admired and she was incredibly

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capable, worked really hard, and was absolutely

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the person who just got shit done. And because

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of that, people gave her more and more and more.

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And she became the person everybody knew would

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just handle it. At one point, ironically, she

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gave me a book with a title along the lines of,

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why good girls don't get ahead, but gutsy girls

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do. And I remember that sticking with me, you

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know, 20 some years later. Because even back

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then, I could see the difference between being

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valuable because you're strategic, trusted, and

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willing to speak up, and being valuable because

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everybody knows you will quietly pick up whatever

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gets dropped on you. Those two are not the same

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thing. And I think a lot of us fall into this

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without even realizing it. We like being dependable.

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We like being needed. And we like being the one

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who can handle it. But at some point, you have

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to ask whether you are choosing the work or whether

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the work just keeps choosing you because everybody

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knows you'll say yes. So here's your action item.

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The next time something lands on your plate,

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pause before you grab it. Ask yourself, am I

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actually the right person to own this or am I

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just the person everyone knows who will handle

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it? and then go one step further. Do I actually

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want to say yes here or am I worried about what

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saying no will mean about me? You can absolutely

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still say yes, but now it's a choice instead

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of just conditioning running quietly in the background.

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Key takeaway number two, your villain error just

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may be the moment you stop performing that old

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role. This is probably my favorite part of the

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whole conversation. Michelle talks about how

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for a lot of women, being disliked can feel like

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an emergency. And I think that shows up in really

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normal ways. You say no and then spend five minutes

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explaining why. You make a decision and you immediately

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start wondering how everyone is going to feel

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about it. Someone seems annoyed with you and

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now you're replaying the conversation wondering

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if you should clarify, apologize, soften it,

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or just somehow fix it. I had to learn this as

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my own career guru. Early in my career, I really

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did think that if I worked hard, tried to do

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the right thing, and treated people well, everybody

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would pretty much see me as sunshine and roses.

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And then you start leading more people and making

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harder decisions, and you realize, oh shit, not

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everyone is going to like me. Not everyone's

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going to even agree with me. And sometimes somebody

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can genuinely think I'm the bad guy, even when

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I believe I made the right decision. That was

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a big shift for me. At some point, I had to stop

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using, does everybody like this, as the test

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for whether I was leading well. And that's why

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Michelle's villain -era language landed so much

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for me. Sometimes becoming the villain in someone

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else's story simply means you stopped absorbing

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the cost of keeping them comfortable. Think about

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that. You say no, and now you're difficult. You

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stop doing something that was never really yours

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to carry and now you're not a team player. You

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stop explaining yourself over and over and now

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somebody thinks you're cold. You leave something

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that isn't working for you anymore and someone

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gets to decide you're selfish. You don't get

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to control everybody else's story about you.

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And this is also where Michelle's talk about

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becoming unfuck with a bull, which I love, because

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she doesn't mean being cold or not caring what

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anybody thinks. It's almost the opposite. You

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can care what someone thinks. You can listen

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and you can take feedback and you can admit when

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you got something wrong. But you are grounded

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enough in yourself that somebody else being unhappy

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with you does not automatically send you into

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fix it mode. I love that. So here's your action

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item. The next time you say no, set a boundary

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or make a decision somebody doesn't love, pay

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attention to what happens right after. Before

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you start over explaining or trying to make them

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feel better, just give it a minute. Ask yourself,

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did I actually do something I need to fix or

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am I just uncomfortable because they're uncomfortable?

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If you got it wrong, own it. It's gonna happen.

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But if you didn't, let that discomfort sit there

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for a little while without immediately trying

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to make it disappear. That's part of rebuilding

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self -trust. Key takeaway number three, nobody

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necessarily wants you to change. This was another

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part of Michelle's work that I thought was really

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important because we talk a lot about doing the

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work on ourselves. Set the boundary, stop people

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-pleasing, speak up. Stop saying yes to everything.

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Well, that's great, right? But then you actually

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change, and people around you may not be thrilled

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about it. Michelle uses the crab bucket analogy.

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One crab can climb out of a bucket pretty easily.

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Put a bunch of crabs in there, and when one starts

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climbing out, the others pull it back down. And

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she's not saying everybody around you is intentionally

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trying to sabotage you. Her point is that systems

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like stability. Your team, family, friendships,

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even your workplace have all adjusted to the

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role you play. If you're always the fixer, everyone

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else gets used to you fixing. If you're always

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the accommodating one, people get used to you

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accommodating. If you are the one who never says

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no, your yes becomes part of how the whole system

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functions. So when you change, everybody else

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feels it too. And sometimes the pushback is not

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really about the boundary itself. They just like

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the old arrangement better. That does not automatically

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make them bad people. Some people will adjust.

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Some will get curious. Some relationships will

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have to recalibrate. And some people may really

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struggle with this new version of you because

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the old version was much more convenient for

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them. Michelle talks about noticing the difference

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between curiosity and control. Curiosity sounds

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like, okay, tell me more. What's changed? Control

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sounds more like guilt. pressure you've changed

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or trying to push you back into the role you

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were playing before. So here's your action item.

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If you start changing a pattern and somebody

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pushes back, don't immediately retreat. Give

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it a little time. Ask yourself, is this person

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trying to understand my change or are they trying

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to get me to go back to the old version of me?

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That does not mean you immediately end the relationship

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or assume that intent. Some people just need

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time to catch up. But you also do not need everybody's

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permission to keep changing. And I think that

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really brings the whole conversation together.

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Good Girl deprogramming is not just setting more

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boundaries. It is recognizing the rules you've

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been following without even realizing it. It

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is checking in with yourself instead of automatically

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looking outward for approval. It is making the

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choice that is actually true for you. And then,

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maybe the hardest part, it is tolerating what

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happens next without immediately abandoning yourself.

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Someone may not like your answer. Someone may

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prefer the old version of you. Someone may even

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decide you're the villain. And you can still

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listen, stay kind, take responsibility when it's

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yours, and trust yourself enough not to run back

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and make everybody comfortable again. Maybe that

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is really the villain era. and maybe becoming

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unfuckable is not about becoming somebody completely

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different. Maybe it's just getting to the point

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where you can come back to yourself and stay

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there. If this hit home, go back and listen to

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my full conversation with Michelle Minikin. We

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get into good girl conditioning, self -trust,

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boundaries, why people may resist when you start

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changing, and what it actually looks like to

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stop following the rules you never consciously

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chose in the first place. Until next time, stay

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loud and keep lifting.