Aug. 13, 2026
Stop Abandoning Yourself in the Small Moments
Silencing yourself does not always mean staying quiet. Sometimes it means agreeing when you have a different opinion, putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own or becoming so focused on keeping everything running that you lose touch with what you think and want.
In this Quick Lift, Betsy shares the key takeaways from her conversation with Elaine Lin Hering and practical ways to begin rebuilding your voice.
You’ll learn:
• The subtle ways women silence themselves
• Two questions that can help you reconnect with what you think and need
• Why your perspective becomes more valuable as you advance in your career
• How to speak up through small, low-risk experiments
• A simple phrase for disagreeing without creating unnecessary conflict
• How to clearly tell people what support looks like for you
You do not need to change your entire life or become the loudest person in the room. You can start by no longer abandoning yourself in the small moments.
Links:
WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.779
Let's talk about silence. I know, ironic given
00:00:03.779 --> 00:00:06.679
the name of the show. But no, I do not mean sitting
00:00:06.679 --> 00:00:09.519
quietly in a room, meditating, doing yoga, or
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enjoying the five peaceful minutes before your
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family realizes where you are. I mean the kind
00:00:13.820 --> 00:00:16.160
of silence Elaine Lynn Herring described in our
00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:18.800
conversation, withholding parts of yourself for
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:21.940
the comfort and convenience of others. Let me
00:00:21.940 --> 00:00:25.039
say that again. She describes silence as withholding
00:00:25.039 --> 00:00:27.280
parts of yourself for the comfort and convenience
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:30.699
of others. That definition has really stayed
00:00:30.699 --> 00:00:33.100
with me. Because when we tell women to speak
00:00:33.100 --> 00:00:36.299
up, it sounds so simple. Raise your hand, share
00:00:36.299 --> 00:00:38.560
your idea, ask for the promotion, say what you
00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:41.539
need. But for a lot of women, this is not just
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about speaking louder in a meeting. It's about
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unlearning years of being rewarded for being
00:00:45.659 --> 00:00:48.420
agreeable, helpful, easy to work with, and low
00:00:48.420 --> 00:00:51.229
maintenance. And listen, being supportive and
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collaborative are great qualities. We do not
00:00:53.490 --> 00:00:55.570
need to throw those out the window or start flipping
00:00:55.570 --> 00:00:58.789
tables. The problem is when being a good team
00:00:58.789 --> 00:01:01.869
player consistently requires you to disappear.
00:01:02.409 --> 00:01:04.349
So today, I want to break down the biggest takeaways
00:01:04.349 --> 00:01:05.870
from my conversation with Elaine and give you
00:01:05.870 --> 00:01:07.849
a few practical things that you can actually
00:01:07.849 --> 00:01:10.349
do with them. Because awareness is great, but
00:01:10.349 --> 00:01:12.290
I also want you to leave with something you can
00:01:12.290 --> 00:01:15.489
try today. The first takeaway is this, silence
00:01:15.489 --> 00:01:18.769
is not always quiet. Sometimes silence looks
00:01:18.769 --> 00:01:20.530
like sitting in a meeting and not sharing your
00:01:20.530 --> 00:01:23.150
idea, but it can also look like automatically
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agreeing with everyone else, not correcting someone
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when they take credit for your work. never expressing
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a preference, or even saying yes before you even
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consider whether you have the time or the energy.
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It can look like being the person everyone describes
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is so easy to work with, which sounds like a
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compliment, and sometimes it is. But sometimes
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it's code for she doesn't push back. She does
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not ask for much. She will take on the extra
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work, and she'll make it easier for the rest
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of us. This is where we have to pay attention.
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Because if you are constantly solving for everyone
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else's needs, there may eventually come a point
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where you genuinely do not know what you think
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or what you want anymore. Elaine talked about
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reaching that place herself. She had built a
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successful life, but so much of it was shaped
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around what her family wanted, what her employer
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expected, and what would make everything work
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for everyone else. And I think a lot of women
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can relate to that. You can be successful, capable,
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and highly functioning while still being completely
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disconnected from yourself. You are getting everything
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done. Everyone can depend on you. The calendar
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is color coded, and the children are where they
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need to be. The work is handled. Sound familiar?
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And then someone asks you what you want to do
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on a free Saturday, and you're like, uh, honestly,
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I have no idea. So here's your first action item.
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Start asking yourself two questions. What do
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I think? And what do I need? That's it. You do
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not have to announce the answers to anyone yet.
00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:48.539
You don't even have to make a major life change.
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Just start rebuilding the habits of checking
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in with yourself. What do I actually think about
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this decision? Do I actually agree with what's
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being said? What do I need in order to do this
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well? What do I need right now? It sounds incredibly
00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:05.099
basic, but if you have spent years thinking about
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what everyone else needs, these questions may
00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:11.039
feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Ask them anyway.
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The second takeaway is that your point of view
00:03:13.770 --> 00:03:16.530
is part of your value. This one is especially
00:03:16.530 --> 00:03:19.009
important at work. Earlier in your career, you
00:03:19.009 --> 00:03:21.509
were rewarded for what you produce. Did you finish
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the project? Did you complete the assignment?
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The work got done. But as you grow into leadership,
00:03:26.750 --> 00:03:29.490
your value shifts. You were no longer only being
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paid for your output. You were being paid for
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your judgment. your experience, and your perspective.
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You are in the room because you know something,
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you see something, and you bring a point of view
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that someone else doesn't have. But if you have
00:03:42.039 --> 00:03:43.560
spent your career trying to be agreeable, it
00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:46.539
can be hard to suddenly flip that switch. You
00:03:46.539 --> 00:03:48.719
may still be sitting there waiting until you
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:51.060
can be absolutely certain, waiting until your
00:03:51.060 --> 00:03:53.379
thought is perfectly polished, waiting until
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you know no one will disagree. Meanwhile, someone
00:03:56.360 --> 00:03:59.020
else throws out a half -formed idea with tremendous
00:03:59.020 --> 00:04:01.479
confidence, and suddenly there is direction of
00:04:01.479 --> 00:04:03.889
the entire meeting. And let me tell you, it's
00:04:03.889 --> 00:04:06.889
probably a man. Look, we've all been there. Elaine
00:04:06.889 --> 00:04:09.189
also talked about how narrow our expectations
00:04:09.189 --> 00:04:11.349
can be around what leadership is supposed to
00:04:11.349 --> 00:04:14.169
sound like. We reward the person who thinks quickly,
00:04:14.409 --> 00:04:16.790
speaks confidently, and packages everything into
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three perfect bullet points. That's what we call
00:04:19.610 --> 00:04:23.079
executive presence. But not every smart person
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processes information out loud in real time.
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Not every great leader sounds the same. And thank
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goodness, because a world filled with identical
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leadership personality sounds exhausting. Still,
00:04:32.540 --> 00:04:35.100
we have to be willing to contribute our own perspective.
00:04:35.560 --> 00:04:37.980
So your second action item is to use Elaine's
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phrase, from where I sit. I love this because
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it does not sound combative. It does not suggest
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that you have the absolute correct answer. It
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simply introduces your perspective. From where
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I sit, the timeline does not seem realistic.
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From where I sit, we are overlooking the customer
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experience. That phrase creates room for someone
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else to say what the situation looks like from
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where they sit. Now you're having a conversation
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instead of preparing for battle. Try using it
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once a week in an email maybe to start a meeting
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or even a conversation at home. Low stakes is
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completely fine. You're building the muscle.
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The third takeaway is that you do not have to
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start with the hardest conversation of your life.
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This is where a lot of us get stuck. We realize
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we need to use our voice more, and immediately,
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our brain jumps to the most terrifying scenario
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possible. We picture confronting the impossible
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boss, negotiating our entire marriage, or telling
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our mother -in -law everything that we've held
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in for 15 years. So maybe we don't start there.
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Elaine recommends small experiments. low risk,
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low stakes, something that allows you to collect
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new evidence. Because many of us have a history
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that tells us expressing a need or an opinion
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will create conflict. Maybe you spoke up in the
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past and you were just dismissed. Or maybe you
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asked a question and were told you were difficult.
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Maybe you learned very early that keeping the
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peace was just safer. Those experiences become
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part of your data set. So now you need new data.
00:06:03.050 --> 00:06:05.829
If your friends are deciding where to eat, suggest
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Thai food. even if you don't care that much.
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The point is not whether everyone picks Thai
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food. The point is that you expressed a preference
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and you survived. No one ended the friendship.
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The restaurant group chat did not collapse and
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you're probably still invited a brunch. I know
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it sounds silly, but this is how confidence is
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actually built. Not by waiting until you magically
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feel brave, but by doing something small, seeing
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what happens and realizing you can handle it.
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So your third action item is to choose that one
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small experiment. Express a preference instead
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of saying whatever everyone wants, I don't care.
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Correct a small mistake instead of letting it
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go. Ask a question in a meeting. Say I cannot
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take that on this week instead of automatically
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rearranging your entire life to do so. Then pay
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attention to what actually happens, not what
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your fear predicted what would happen. The fourth
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takeaway is that sharing what you need can actually
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help other people support you. This one is huge.
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We sometimes convince ourselves that staying
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silent is generous. We don't want to burden anyone.
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We don't want to seem needy. We do not want to
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make the situation harder. But the people around
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us cannot support needs they don't know exist.
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And yes, sometimes people are terrible at supporting
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us. You tell someone you need to vent and suddenly
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they're offering a seven -step strategic plan,
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a book recommendation, and the phone number of
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their therapist. You're like, I just needed you
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to say, that sounds awful. Elaine's point was
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that we can be more specific about the support
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we need. You can say, I need to tell someone
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what's going on, but I don't even want advice.
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Or I'm not ready to talk about this, but I wanted
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someone else to know. Or how about, please just
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send me a heart emoji so I know you've heard
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me. No need for a response. This is not being
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demanding. This is giving someone a better chance
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of showing up for you the right way. I had to
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learn this with my own husband. I would tell
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him about something happening at work, and because
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he was trying to be helpful, he would immediately
00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:03.720
start trying to solve it. And I'd be sitting
00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:05.639
there thinking, you are somehow making this way
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more stressful. Eventually, I had to tell him,
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I just need you to listen. I don't need you to
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fix it. That was better for both of us. He did
00:08:13.529 --> 00:08:14.990
not have to guess what I wanted and I didn't
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have to stop sharing because I was afraid of
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getting advice that I did not ask for. So your
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fourth action item is to finish the sentence.
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The best way to support me right now is... Maybe
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the answer is listening. Maybe it's helping you
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think through options. Maybe it's taking something
00:08:30.610 --> 00:08:33.950
off your plate. Or maybe it's giving you space.
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Practice telling people what support looks like
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instead of expecting them to just read your mind.
00:08:39.389 --> 00:08:42.269
And here is the biggest point from this entire
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conversation. Being loud does not mean becoming
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the loudest person in the room. It does not mean
00:08:48.870 --> 00:08:50.950
saying every thought that comes in your head.
00:08:50.990 --> 00:08:53.629
And it does not mean being aggressive, confrontational,
00:08:53.730 --> 00:08:56.870
or demanding. Elaine described being loud as
00:08:56.870 --> 00:09:00.909
fully being yourself, knowing who you are, knowing
00:09:00.909 --> 00:09:03.990
what you think, and knowing what you need, and
00:09:03.990 --> 00:09:06.470
having the agency to choose how you show up.
00:09:06.769 --> 00:09:08.980
I'm going to say that again. Elaine described
00:09:08.980 --> 00:09:12.500
being loud as fully being yourself, knowing who
00:09:12.500 --> 00:09:14.720
you are, knowing what you think, and knowing
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:17.240
what you need, and having the agency to choose
00:09:17.240 --> 00:09:20.820
how you show up. That version of loud looks different
00:09:20.820 --> 00:09:23.940
for every person. Maybe your voice is calm and
00:09:23.940 --> 00:09:27.000
thoughtful. Maybe you need time before you speak.
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:29.960
Or maybe you are not the person dominating the
00:09:29.960 --> 00:09:32.620
meetings. None of that makes your perspective
00:09:32.620 --> 00:09:36.240
less valuable. But you have to stop automatically
00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:38.690
withholding it. So this week, keep it simple.
00:09:39.169 --> 00:09:41.870
Ask yourself what you think and what you need.
00:09:42.610 --> 00:09:45.350
Use from where I sit to share one perspective.
00:09:45.809 --> 00:09:49.090
Try one low risk experiment and tell someone
00:09:49.090 --> 00:09:51.529
how they can best support you. You do not have
00:09:51.529 --> 00:09:54.009
to change your entire life tomorrow. You just
00:09:54.009 --> 00:09:56.470
have to stop abandoning yourself and all these
00:09:56.470 --> 00:09:59.570
small moments because the cost of silence is
00:09:59.570 --> 00:10:01.769
not the opportunity you miss or the idea you
00:10:01.769 --> 00:10:05.110
do not share. It is the slow loss of connection
00:10:05.110 --> 00:10:07.850
to yourself. And you deserve to know who you
00:10:07.850 --> 00:10:10.029
are, what you want, and what your life could
00:10:10.029 --> 00:10:12.789
look like when your voice is actually part of
00:10:12.789 --> 00:10:15.370
it. If you have not listened to Elaine's full
00:10:15.370 --> 00:10:18.250
episode, I strongly encourage you to do so and
00:10:18.250 --> 00:10:20.450
absolutely pick up her book. It is worthwhile.
00:10:21.169 --> 00:10:24.250
Until next time, stay loud, know what that means,
00:10:24.470 --> 00:10:25.649
and stay lifted.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.779
Let's talk about silence. I know, ironic given
00:00:03.779 --> 00:00:06.679
the name of the show. But no, I do not mean sitting
00:00:06.679 --> 00:00:09.519
quietly in a room, meditating, doing yoga, or
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.419
enjoying the five peaceful minutes before your
00:00:11.419 --> 00:00:13.820
family realizes where you are. I mean the kind
00:00:13.820 --> 00:00:16.160
of silence Elaine Lynn Herring described in our
00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:18.800
conversation, withholding parts of yourself for
00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:21.940
the comfort and convenience of others. Let me
00:00:21.940 --> 00:00:25.039
say that again. She describes silence as withholding
00:00:25.039 --> 00:00:27.280
parts of yourself for the comfort and convenience
00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:30.699
of others. That definition has really stayed
00:00:30.699 --> 00:00:33.100
with me. Because when we tell women to speak
00:00:33.100 --> 00:00:36.299
up, it sounds so simple. Raise your hand, share
00:00:36.299 --> 00:00:38.560
your idea, ask for the promotion, say what you
00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:41.539
need. But for a lot of women, this is not just
00:00:41.539 --> 00:00:43.299
about speaking louder in a meeting. It's about
00:00:43.299 --> 00:00:45.659
unlearning years of being rewarded for being
00:00:45.659 --> 00:00:48.420
agreeable, helpful, easy to work with, and low
00:00:48.420 --> 00:00:51.229
maintenance. And listen, being supportive and
00:00:51.229 --> 00:00:53.490
collaborative are great qualities. We do not
00:00:53.490 --> 00:00:55.570
need to throw those out the window or start flipping
00:00:55.570 --> 00:00:58.789
tables. The problem is when being a good team
00:00:58.789 --> 00:01:01.869
player consistently requires you to disappear.
00:01:02.409 --> 00:01:04.349
So today, I want to break down the biggest takeaways
00:01:04.349 --> 00:01:05.870
from my conversation with Elaine and give you
00:01:05.870 --> 00:01:07.849
a few practical things that you can actually
00:01:07.849 --> 00:01:10.349
do with them. Because awareness is great, but
00:01:10.349 --> 00:01:12.290
I also want you to leave with something you can
00:01:12.290 --> 00:01:15.489
try today. The first takeaway is this, silence
00:01:15.489 --> 00:01:18.769
is not always quiet. Sometimes silence looks
00:01:18.769 --> 00:01:20.530
like sitting in a meeting and not sharing your
00:01:20.530 --> 00:01:23.150
idea, but it can also look like automatically
00:01:23.150 --> 00:01:25.689
agreeing with everyone else, not correcting someone
00:01:25.689 --> 00:01:28.250
when they take credit for your work. never expressing
00:01:28.250 --> 00:01:31.170
a preference, or even saying yes before you even
00:01:31.170 --> 00:01:33.290
consider whether you have the time or the energy.
00:01:33.730 --> 00:01:35.989
It can look like being the person everyone describes
00:01:35.989 --> 00:01:38.750
is so easy to work with, which sounds like a
00:01:38.750 --> 00:01:41.489
compliment, and sometimes it is. But sometimes
00:01:41.489 --> 00:01:44.109
it's code for she doesn't push back. She does
00:01:44.109 --> 00:01:46.689
not ask for much. She will take on the extra
00:01:46.689 --> 00:01:48.409
work, and she'll make it easier for the rest
00:01:48.409 --> 00:01:51.109
of us. This is where we have to pay attention.
00:01:51.290 --> 00:01:53.870
Because if you are constantly solving for everyone
00:01:53.870 --> 00:01:55.769
else's needs, there may eventually come a point
00:01:55.769 --> 00:01:58.069
where you genuinely do not know what you think
00:01:58.069 --> 00:02:00.969
or what you want anymore. Elaine talked about
00:02:00.969 --> 00:02:02.849
reaching that place herself. She had built a
00:02:02.849 --> 00:02:04.909
successful life, but so much of it was shaped
00:02:04.909 --> 00:02:07.450
around what her family wanted, what her employer
00:02:07.450 --> 00:02:09.830
expected, and what would make everything work
00:02:09.830 --> 00:02:12.770
for everyone else. And I think a lot of women
00:02:12.770 --> 00:02:15.449
can relate to that. You can be successful, capable,
00:02:15.569 --> 00:02:18.229
and highly functioning while still being completely
00:02:18.229 --> 00:02:21.569
disconnected from yourself. You are getting everything
00:02:21.569 --> 00:02:23.710
done. Everyone can depend on you. The calendar
00:02:23.710 --> 00:02:26.129
is color coded, and the children are where they
00:02:26.129 --> 00:02:28.870
need to be. The work is handled. Sound familiar?
00:02:29.650 --> 00:02:31.530
And then someone asks you what you want to do
00:02:31.530 --> 00:02:34.330
on a free Saturday, and you're like, uh, honestly,
00:02:34.430 --> 00:02:37.430
I have no idea. So here's your first action item.
00:02:37.689 --> 00:02:40.729
Start asking yourself two questions. What do
00:02:40.729 --> 00:02:44.599
I think? And what do I need? That's it. You do
00:02:44.599 --> 00:02:46.659
not have to announce the answers to anyone yet.
00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:48.539
You don't even have to make a major life change.
00:02:48.680 --> 00:02:50.639
Just start rebuilding the habits of checking
00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:53.580
in with yourself. What do I actually think about
00:02:53.580 --> 00:02:55.659
this decision? Do I actually agree with what's
00:02:55.659 --> 00:02:58.520
being said? What do I need in order to do this
00:02:58.520 --> 00:03:02.560
well? What do I need right now? It sounds incredibly
00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:05.099
basic, but if you have spent years thinking about
00:03:05.099 --> 00:03:07.319
what everyone else needs, these questions may
00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:11.039
feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Ask them anyway.
00:03:11.289 --> 00:03:13.770
The second takeaway is that your point of view
00:03:13.770 --> 00:03:16.530
is part of your value. This one is especially
00:03:16.530 --> 00:03:19.009
important at work. Earlier in your career, you
00:03:19.009 --> 00:03:21.509
were rewarded for what you produce. Did you finish
00:03:21.509 --> 00:03:23.250
the project? Did you complete the assignment?
00:03:23.449 --> 00:03:26.550
The work got done. But as you grow into leadership,
00:03:26.750 --> 00:03:29.490
your value shifts. You were no longer only being
00:03:29.490 --> 00:03:31.990
paid for your output. You were being paid for
00:03:31.990 --> 00:03:35.000
your judgment. your experience, and your perspective.
00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:37.360
You are in the room because you know something,
00:03:37.539 --> 00:03:39.939
you see something, and you bring a point of view
00:03:39.939 --> 00:03:42.039
that someone else doesn't have. But if you have
00:03:42.039 --> 00:03:43.560
spent your career trying to be agreeable, it
00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:46.539
can be hard to suddenly flip that switch. You
00:03:46.539 --> 00:03:48.719
may still be sitting there waiting until you
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:51.060
can be absolutely certain, waiting until your
00:03:51.060 --> 00:03:53.379
thought is perfectly polished, waiting until
00:03:53.379 --> 00:03:56.360
you know no one will disagree. Meanwhile, someone
00:03:56.360 --> 00:03:59.020
else throws out a half -formed idea with tremendous
00:03:59.020 --> 00:04:01.479
confidence, and suddenly there is direction of
00:04:01.479 --> 00:04:03.889
the entire meeting. And let me tell you, it's
00:04:03.889 --> 00:04:06.889
probably a man. Look, we've all been there. Elaine
00:04:06.889 --> 00:04:09.189
also talked about how narrow our expectations
00:04:09.189 --> 00:04:11.349
can be around what leadership is supposed to
00:04:11.349 --> 00:04:14.169
sound like. We reward the person who thinks quickly,
00:04:14.409 --> 00:04:16.790
speaks confidently, and packages everything into
00:04:16.790 --> 00:04:19.610
three perfect bullet points. That's what we call
00:04:19.610 --> 00:04:23.079
executive presence. But not every smart person
00:04:23.079 --> 00:04:25.279
processes information out loud in real time.
00:04:25.500 --> 00:04:27.560
Not every great leader sounds the same. And thank
00:04:27.560 --> 00:04:29.379
goodness, because a world filled with identical
00:04:29.379 --> 00:04:32.279
leadership personality sounds exhausting. Still,
00:04:32.540 --> 00:04:35.100
we have to be willing to contribute our own perspective.
00:04:35.560 --> 00:04:37.980
So your second action item is to use Elaine's
00:04:37.980 --> 00:04:40.819
phrase, from where I sit. I love this because
00:04:40.819 --> 00:04:43.319
it does not sound combative. It does not suggest
00:04:43.319 --> 00:04:46.399
that you have the absolute correct answer. It
00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:49.379
simply introduces your perspective. From where
00:04:49.379 --> 00:04:51.500
I sit, the timeline does not seem realistic.
00:04:51.620 --> 00:04:53.980
From where I sit, we are overlooking the customer
00:04:53.980 --> 00:04:57.000
experience. That phrase creates room for someone
00:04:57.000 --> 00:04:59.480
else to say what the situation looks like from
00:04:59.480 --> 00:05:01.660
where they sit. Now you're having a conversation
00:05:01.660 --> 00:05:04.079
instead of preparing for battle. Try using it
00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:06.800
once a week in an email maybe to start a meeting
00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:09.920
or even a conversation at home. Low stakes is
00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:12.180
completely fine. You're building the muscle.
00:05:12.759 --> 00:05:14.740
The third takeaway is that you do not have to
00:05:14.740 --> 00:05:16.839
start with the hardest conversation of your life.
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:19.319
This is where a lot of us get stuck. We realize
00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:21.220
we need to use our voice more, and immediately,
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.079
our brain jumps to the most terrifying scenario
00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:27.060
possible. We picture confronting the impossible
00:05:27.060 --> 00:05:29.519
boss, negotiating our entire marriage, or telling
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:31.300
our mother -in -law everything that we've held
00:05:31.300 --> 00:05:34.160
in for 15 years. So maybe we don't start there.
00:05:34.860 --> 00:05:37.930
Elaine recommends small experiments. low risk,
00:05:38.269 --> 00:05:40.709
low stakes, something that allows you to collect
00:05:40.709 --> 00:05:42.829
new evidence. Because many of us have a history
00:05:42.829 --> 00:05:45.290
that tells us expressing a need or an opinion
00:05:45.290 --> 00:05:48.750
will create conflict. Maybe you spoke up in the
00:05:48.750 --> 00:05:51.250
past and you were just dismissed. Or maybe you
00:05:51.250 --> 00:05:53.449
asked a question and were told you were difficult.
00:05:53.910 --> 00:05:56.449
Maybe you learned very early that keeping the
00:05:56.449 --> 00:05:59.769
peace was just safer. Those experiences become
00:05:59.769 --> 00:06:02.730
part of your data set. So now you need new data.
00:06:03.050 --> 00:06:05.829
If your friends are deciding where to eat, suggest
00:06:05.829 --> 00:06:08.360
Thai food. even if you don't care that much.
00:06:09.019 --> 00:06:11.379
The point is not whether everyone picks Thai
00:06:11.379 --> 00:06:14.000
food. The point is that you expressed a preference
00:06:14.000 --> 00:06:17.220
and you survived. No one ended the friendship.
00:06:17.480 --> 00:06:19.759
The restaurant group chat did not collapse and
00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:22.160
you're probably still invited a brunch. I know
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.420
it sounds silly, but this is how confidence is
00:06:24.420 --> 00:06:26.860
actually built. Not by waiting until you magically
00:06:26.860 --> 00:06:29.480
feel brave, but by doing something small, seeing
00:06:29.480 --> 00:06:31.879
what happens and realizing you can handle it.
00:06:32.009 --> 00:06:34.470
So your third action item is to choose that one
00:06:34.470 --> 00:06:36.910
small experiment. Express a preference instead
00:06:36.910 --> 00:06:39.310
of saying whatever everyone wants, I don't care.
00:06:39.930 --> 00:06:41.949
Correct a small mistake instead of letting it
00:06:41.949 --> 00:06:45.490
go. Ask a question in a meeting. Say I cannot
00:06:45.490 --> 00:06:48.110
take that on this week instead of automatically
00:06:48.110 --> 00:06:51.209
rearranging your entire life to do so. Then pay
00:06:51.209 --> 00:06:53.769
attention to what actually happens, not what
00:06:53.769 --> 00:06:56.589
your fear predicted what would happen. The fourth
00:06:56.589 --> 00:06:58.990
takeaway is that sharing what you need can actually
00:06:58.990 --> 00:07:02.500
help other people support you. This one is huge.
00:07:03.160 --> 00:07:05.339
We sometimes convince ourselves that staying
00:07:05.339 --> 00:07:08.540
silent is generous. We don't want to burden anyone.
00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:11.199
We don't want to seem needy. We do not want to
00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:14.019
make the situation harder. But the people around
00:07:14.019 --> 00:07:16.819
us cannot support needs they don't know exist.
00:07:17.069 --> 00:07:19.610
And yes, sometimes people are terrible at supporting
00:07:19.610 --> 00:07:21.949
us. You tell someone you need to vent and suddenly
00:07:21.949 --> 00:07:24.329
they're offering a seven -step strategic plan,
00:07:24.509 --> 00:07:26.990
a book recommendation, and the phone number of
00:07:26.990 --> 00:07:29.629
their therapist. You're like, I just needed you
00:07:29.629 --> 00:07:32.629
to say, that sounds awful. Elaine's point was
00:07:32.629 --> 00:07:34.949
that we can be more specific about the support
00:07:34.949 --> 00:07:37.589
we need. You can say, I need to tell someone
00:07:37.589 --> 00:07:39.769
what's going on, but I don't even want advice.
00:07:40.589 --> 00:07:43.029
Or I'm not ready to talk about this, but I wanted
00:07:43.029 --> 00:07:45.899
someone else to know. Or how about, please just
00:07:45.899 --> 00:07:47.720
send me a heart emoji so I know you've heard
00:07:47.720 --> 00:07:50.980
me. No need for a response. This is not being
00:07:50.980 --> 00:07:53.019
demanding. This is giving someone a better chance
00:07:53.019 --> 00:07:55.680
of showing up for you the right way. I had to
00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:57.600
learn this with my own husband. I would tell
00:07:57.600 --> 00:07:59.759
him about something happening at work, and because
00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:01.680
he was trying to be helpful, he would immediately
00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:03.720
start trying to solve it. And I'd be sitting
00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:05.639
there thinking, you are somehow making this way
00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:08.259
more stressful. Eventually, I had to tell him,
00:08:08.360 --> 00:08:10.199
I just need you to listen. I don't need you to
00:08:10.199 --> 00:08:13.529
fix it. That was better for both of us. He did
00:08:13.529 --> 00:08:14.990
not have to guess what I wanted and I didn't
00:08:14.990 --> 00:08:17.149
have to stop sharing because I was afraid of
00:08:17.149 --> 00:08:19.750
getting advice that I did not ask for. So your
00:08:19.750 --> 00:08:21.709
fourth action item is to finish the sentence.
00:08:22.110 --> 00:08:26.189
The best way to support me right now is... Maybe
00:08:26.189 --> 00:08:28.310
the answer is listening. Maybe it's helping you
00:08:28.310 --> 00:08:30.610
think through options. Maybe it's taking something
00:08:30.610 --> 00:08:33.950
off your plate. Or maybe it's giving you space.
00:08:34.970 --> 00:08:36.850
Practice telling people what support looks like
00:08:36.850 --> 00:08:39.049
instead of expecting them to just read your mind.
00:08:39.389 --> 00:08:42.269
And here is the biggest point from this entire
00:08:42.269 --> 00:08:45.809
conversation. Being loud does not mean becoming
00:08:45.809 --> 00:08:48.870
the loudest person in the room. It does not mean
00:08:48.870 --> 00:08:50.950
saying every thought that comes in your head.
00:08:50.990 --> 00:08:53.629
And it does not mean being aggressive, confrontational,
00:08:53.730 --> 00:08:56.870
or demanding. Elaine described being loud as
00:08:56.870 --> 00:09:00.909
fully being yourself, knowing who you are, knowing
00:09:00.909 --> 00:09:03.990
what you think, and knowing what you need, and
00:09:03.990 --> 00:09:06.470
having the agency to choose how you show up.
00:09:06.769 --> 00:09:08.980
I'm going to say that again. Elaine described
00:09:08.980 --> 00:09:12.500
being loud as fully being yourself, knowing who
00:09:12.500 --> 00:09:14.720
you are, knowing what you think, and knowing
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:17.240
what you need, and having the agency to choose
00:09:17.240 --> 00:09:20.820
how you show up. That version of loud looks different
00:09:20.820 --> 00:09:23.940
for every person. Maybe your voice is calm and
00:09:23.940 --> 00:09:27.000
thoughtful. Maybe you need time before you speak.
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:29.960
Or maybe you are not the person dominating the
00:09:29.960 --> 00:09:32.620
meetings. None of that makes your perspective
00:09:32.620 --> 00:09:36.240
less valuable. But you have to stop automatically
00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:38.690
withholding it. So this week, keep it simple.
00:09:39.169 --> 00:09:41.870
Ask yourself what you think and what you need.
00:09:42.610 --> 00:09:45.350
Use from where I sit to share one perspective.
00:09:45.809 --> 00:09:49.090
Try one low risk experiment and tell someone
00:09:49.090 --> 00:09:51.529
how they can best support you. You do not have
00:09:51.529 --> 00:09:54.009
to change your entire life tomorrow. You just
00:09:54.009 --> 00:09:56.470
have to stop abandoning yourself and all these
00:09:56.470 --> 00:09:59.570
small moments because the cost of silence is
00:09:59.570 --> 00:10:01.769
not the opportunity you miss or the idea you
00:10:01.769 --> 00:10:05.110
do not share. It is the slow loss of connection
00:10:05.110 --> 00:10:07.850
to yourself. And you deserve to know who you
00:10:07.850 --> 00:10:10.029
are, what you want, and what your life could
00:10:10.029 --> 00:10:12.789
look like when your voice is actually part of
00:10:12.789 --> 00:10:15.370
it. If you have not listened to Elaine's full
00:10:15.370 --> 00:10:18.250
episode, I strongly encourage you to do so and
00:10:18.250 --> 00:10:20.450
absolutely pick up her book. It is worthwhile.
00:10:21.169 --> 00:10:24.250
Until next time, stay loud, know what that means,
00:10:24.470 --> 00:10:25.649
and stay lifted.