Quick Lift: When Trust Breaks

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Welcome to Allowed and Lifted. I'm your host,

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Betsy Hamm. Have you ever been blindsided by

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someone you trusted at work, in a friendship,

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or just in a space where you thought somebody

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was supposed to have your back? I'm sure the

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answer is yes, because honestly, we all have.

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In this quick lift, we unpack the conversation

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with Kristin Pucci, where we talk about the gut

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punch of betrayal, why it happens, what it costs,

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and how to move through it by becoming the kind

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of person who doesn't do it to someone else.

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So first, let's define betrayal. It's a violation

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of trust. When someone you counted on acts against

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you, lets you down, or fails to protect your

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interest. In the context of women in the workplace,

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betrayal often stings deeper because it clashes

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with the expectation of solidarity. We expect

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friction from competitors or maybe even people

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we don't have a relationship with, but not from

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those who we consider friends or mentors or who

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we've established some kind of professional relationship

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with, other women who should have had our back.

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So let's dig into the key takeaways. First, why

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does it happen? Betrayal often happens because

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of someone's insecurity, the scarcity mindset,

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social conditioning telling women there's only

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room for one of us at the top, a lack of confidence.

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Often, it's not about you. It's about them and

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their insecurities or their issues. If you've

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been listening to other episodes, you realize

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how much we talk about confidence and because

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it's so important. And I find when someone doesn't

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have confidence is when these bad behaviors like

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betrayal occur. I can think of several instances

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through my career. Maybe there was somebody,

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there was two managers who were at the same level

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doing very different jobs and they got along

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until somebody started to get a little bit more

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of the spotlight and get a little bit more credit.

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And there became this jealousy against the other.

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woman who wasn't even in competition for anything.

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So it wasn't necessarily about the job. It was

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about the credit and the spotlight where I could

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see the bad behavior starting to come out due

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to the person's lack of confidence or their insecurity.

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I've even seen this happen at high levels of

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an organization where there was a group of women,

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a big group of women who were all directors and

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everything was fine and good until one person

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betrayed the other and it just created this domino

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effect. Everybody lost the confidence. and the

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trust within each other. And it was almost like

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it was contagious. It was terrible. And it just

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absolutely became this toxic, terrible culture

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and environment because people started to lose

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the trust due to the betrayal. Now, here's the

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thing, and takeaway number two, betrayal isn't

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always loud. We do think about that, right? We

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think about the sabotage. We think about the

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backstabbing. We think about the shit talking.

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But. Another form of betrayal is when it's silence.

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When you needed support, maybe you were left

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out of big decisions on purpose. It's realizing

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someone watched you fall and they did nothing.

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This happens a lot, and I think it's hard to

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identify because when someone is shit talking

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you, it's very clear, right? It tends to get

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back to you. You tend to find out about that

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betrayal. But that betrayal where you think you

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have this relationship with someone, they're

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very supportive to you in a personal setting,

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maybe through text. But then you find out that

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publicly they're not supportive. And I would

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say honestly, this has probably happened to me

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more this type of betrayal in my career than

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anything. And it definitely hurts the most because

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it does take you longer to you realize that the

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relationship you have isn't real. When that person

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does not have the ability to support you publicly,

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or even let's say on LinkedIn or social media,

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you realize that they aren't there to be your

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fan, that they're secretly hiding in the background.

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And that's just, that just stings. That definitely

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is something that's harder to define, but when

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it does happen and you finally realize it hurts.

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And I've certainly had this happen just recently

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with the change in career. are your fans, and

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who are your cheerleaders, and you're supportive,

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and they're still being very nice and supportive

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to your face. But when it comes to those public

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opportunities for them to have your back or stick

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up for you, silence. Fun. So we'll move on. Takeaway

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number three, you can heal. The fallout is real,

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as you can see. That was a little frustrating

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for me to think about. But betrayal can leave

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you questioning your worth, your instincts, and

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even your leadership. It isolates you. It demoralizes

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you. And worse, it makes you want to shrink.

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Or it makes you want to have revenge. So what

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do you do when this happens to you? Let's just

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say I do not suggest the revenge piece. But there's

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a couple different ways to approach this. First

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of all, you have to start naming what happened.

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And you have to set boundaries to protect your

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piece. And most importantly, you can't carry

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that forward. You can't carry it with you and

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you can't just do it to somebody else. You don't

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want to become that woman who hurts others and

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you don't want to go back for the revenge. So

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a couple ways to address this. My personal way

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that I handle this, and I know it's not comfortable

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for everyone, is to have a conversation. Now,

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Kristen talked about this in the podcast where

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she said, how are you? What's going on? Trying

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to seek to understand if that person is in a

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bad spot, in a negative spot. Because as we mentioned,

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this is often not about you. It's about them

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and their insecurities. To be honest, depending

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on the situation, I would address it. And you

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don't have to be aggressive. You don't have to

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be an asshole about it. open and honest conversation

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you have a relationship with this person right

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there's there's some kind of connection you had

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this ability to have a relationship and now they've

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broken that trust with you so having the conversation

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of just saying hey I heard I saw I'm feeling

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whatever it is if you can make it about you and

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your feelings I think that makes people less

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defensive but just addressing it because I think

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the reality is if you don't address those bad

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behaviors then they continue the person will

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just continue down that path of the negative

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So I know that you can't always address it. And

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that's where I think maybe Mel Robbins advice

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of let them comes into it. Sometimes you are

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just going to have to let it happen. Let them

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talk about it. Let them not be positive to you.

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And I know that's very difficult. And again,

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it depends on the situation. But there is a time

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for the let them. And then there is that time

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for let me talk to you about this. And especially

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if you're in a situation where maybe it's somebody

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who is a higher level than you, maybe it's even

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your own boss, which is really hard to deal with.

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That's a challenge. Maybe you can address the

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conversation with them, but a lot of times you

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probably aren't going to be able to. And if you're

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in an environment where that kind of behavior

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is just tolerated and as part of the culture,

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that's, I think, a very important time to take

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a step back and realize, is this the best environment

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for you? Is this where you should be? Because

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if the bad behavior and the betrayal and the

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negativity is allowed, it creates a toxic culture

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and at some point you really are going to have

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to have that honest conversation with you if

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that's the best place for you to continue to

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be. So don't be her. Don't try to get revenge,

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but also figure out how you can stop and not

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carry that forward with you and certainly make

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sure that you're not doing it to someone else.

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So that's takeaway number four. Don't be her.

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Don't be that woman doing that. Gossiping, gatekeeping,

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withholding information, undermining, those are

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all betrayal behaviors. Be aware when they creep

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up. Let's be honest, no one's perfect. I am certainly

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not going to sit here and claim that I've never

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had some of these bad behaviors. And I think

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it's very easy to get sucked in, especially gossiping.

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I think that's one I know I have been guilty

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of that in the past. And maybe I instigated the

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conversation and maybe I was with somebody who

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did and I participated. And being a participant

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in those types of situations and those conversations

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is bad. And it's very easy to get sucked in,

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especially if you're agreeing with what that

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person says. But you have to stop. You have to

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stop yourself and say, wait, I'm not participating

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in this. And you have to call out other people.

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Maybe you're not comfortable calling somebody

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out who has bad behavior against you. But I bet

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you're more comfortable of calling somebody out

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when they're doing it to one of your friends

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or to your coworkers. So take that opportunity

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when you start to see somebody else do that,

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whether it's the gossiping or the undermining,

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or you know someone's withholding information,

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and call the person out. And again, you can do

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this in a way that's productive. It doesn't have

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to be aggressive. Maybe sometimes it needs to

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be aggressive. But have that conversation, make

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the person aware that it's happening, and then

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see if you can move forward. We have to talk

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about bringing seats to the table and including

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everyone. But the reality is a lot of times we're

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pulling chairs out from each other and that's

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the kind of behavior that has to stop. And this

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goes back to the whole fact of how women do not

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support each other as well as we could. So don't

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be her. Take a step back. Look at your own behaviors.

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And when you find yourself starting to do it,

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call yourself out and stop and also hold people

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around you accountable for that same level of

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support and taking care of each other. This episode

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hit a nerve for a reason. Betrayal isn't rare,

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and talking about it doesn't make us dramatic.

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It makes us prepared. Betrayal leaves bruises

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you can't always see, but they shape how we lead,

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who we trust, and how we speak up again. You're

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not too sensitive, and you sure as hell didn't

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deserve it. So pick your head up, protect your

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peace, and don't let their brokenness break you.

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Heal loud and lead louder. And remember, we rise

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higher when we rise together. If you haven't

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listened to Kristen's episode, I strongly encourage

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you to do so. As always, if this episode resonated

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with you, please share it with someone you know

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who could also appreciate it and continue to

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subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts and

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follow us on Instagram. Until next time, stay

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loud and stay lifted.