Likeable Badass Quick Lift: Warmth + Competence = Status (Alison Fragale)

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Have you ever been told you're too nice and you

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wanted to respond, thanks, I think? Welcome to

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Allowed to Lift a Quick Lift, the under 10 minute

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episode where we turn big insights into small,

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repeatable moves you can actually use this week.

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I'm your host, Betsy Ham. Today, I'm recapping

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my conversation with Alison Fregilli, psychologist

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and author of Likeable Badass. And we're focusing

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on one core idea, being likeable, but also being

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a badass. Let's get into it. First, let's start

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with the definition. A likable badass is someone

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who shows up with a blend of two essential traits,

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capability and care. It's about being both assertive

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and warm, demonstrating that you know what you're

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doing, what you're good at, and that you genuinely

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care about others. This combination of assertiveness

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and warmth is powerful. It's the surest way to

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earn respect from others. When people meet us,

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they subconsciously assess two things, our ability

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to get things done, and are concerned for others.

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These judgments aren't random. They're based

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on whether we can control our environment and

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get results, and whether we care about more than

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just ourselves. This blend is crucial for respect,

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which opens doors to so many other good things

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in life. So takeaway number one is the two -part

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status equation of warmth and competence. Allison

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breaks status down into two fast judgments people

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make about you. Warmth. Are you a friend or are

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you a fellow? And are your intentions good? And

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two, confidence. Are you capable or not? And

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can you deliver the results? And here's the magic.

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When you consistently can signal both, people

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don't just like you, they respect you. And when

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you get respect, that becomes influence. So Alison

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gave some examples of some of those warmth signals.

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Maybe it's a genuine compliment. Maybe it's bringing

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somebody into a conversation, a thoughtful check

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-in, crediting someone publicly. She also talked

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about some of those signals that are natural

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to others and maybe not to some. For example,

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smiling. She said sometimes when people meet

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her or sees pictures of herself, she kind of

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has like a scowl or I'm sure some people could

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say they have an RBF. So you just smiling randomly

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may not be the most authentic move. So figuring

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out what are those cues that make sense to you

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because we're all different that are comfortable

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that signal warmth. So your quick lift this week

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is to do those two things, right? Pick the one

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signal that you're just going to turn up. And

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again, the balance here is still being genuine

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and authentic. Don't go around giving compliments

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that you don't mean or smiling when you really

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don't want to. But it's just being intentional

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about those warmth signals and how you're interacting

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with others and just crank it up a tiny bit.

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So that's the first part with warmth. And then

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the second part is those competence signals.

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And how do you show competence again? Turn it

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up a little bit. Think about a crisp point of

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view. Have decisive language. Bring a solution,

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not just a problem. And a lot of this is how

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we talk and how we communicate. You can go back

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and listen to Sarita's episode from last season

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where we talked about that confidence and that

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confidence that comes across with how you're

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positioning your ideas and not being afraid to

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speak up. So you're not changing who you are.

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You're just being intentional about what your

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audience can actually see. So one more signal

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to focus on and one competent signal to focus

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on in the coming week is takeaway number one.

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Takeaway number two, power versus status. And

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the title doesn't guarantee respect. So Alison

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draws a clear line. Power equals control of resources.

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Think about money, decisions, rewards, consequences.

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That's what it means when you have power. status

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is just being respected and valued by others,

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no matter what your title is. You can have power

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and still be the person nobody respects. And

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I say that, and I'm sure many people come to

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the top of your mind of someone who has power

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or the title, but they don't have that status.

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However, you can have status without a huge title

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and still influence the room. So there's a balance.

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And like one can be without the other. The ideal

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would be to have both, of course. So the quick

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lift move for this is is if you're going after

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promotion, a raise, or just a bigger seat at

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the table, Alison's point is to build status

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first. If your audience doesn't value you, they're

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less likely to hand you that power. So they ask,

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what signals would make them value you more?

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Is it the warmth, the competence, or both? Then

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act accordingly. Take away number three. what

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you're too nice really means, and the fix is

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adding, not subtracting. So this is a big myth

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buster. When people say you're too nice, they

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usually don't mean could you be less kind and

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be cruel. Nobody's asking for that. What this

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typically means is I'm not seeing enough of competence

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or confidence or results from you So the fix

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is not to become colder or again to be mean the

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fix is adding more confidence signals without

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subtracting warmth Allison literally frames this

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as adding not subtracting and you know This is

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one that really hits home for me not that I was

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ever told I was too nice, but I have seen countless

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women in my career who have been Legit too nice

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and it wasn't because they didn't have the competence

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they knew what they were doing they were good

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at their jobs but they were so afraid to make

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a decision to be accountable to give their opinion

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and they have the ability to be competent but

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they weren't. showing it. They weren't acting

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on it. So they would never want to make a decision.

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They were afraid to give their opinion. They

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couched every conversation that they had as,

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I'm not sure. I don't know. This is dumb. Again,

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going back to the negative language and they

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had that reputation of, oh, they're just so nice.

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This person's so nice. They're so nice. They're

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too nice. They're too nice. And again, lovely

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women, lovely people, but they needed to show

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their competence more. Takeaway number four was

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around self -promotion and the brag and thank.

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And Allison explains why self -promotion is hard,

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but we need to do it because it boosts confidence.

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but it can also threaten your warmth. And this

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goes back to many conversations we've had around

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image and building your personal brand and exposure.

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And this is something that a lot of women struggle

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with, but it goes back to the fact that we need

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to be able to promote ourselves. This is how

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we're going to continue to be successful, get

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promotions, get more opportunities. So her fix

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for this is if you feel uncomfortable promoting

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yourself or even taking credit, do a dual promotion.

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And she calls this the brag and think. credit,

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and you also share the credit. And I think this

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is great because so often at work we're working

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on projects that took multiple people, different

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teams. Very seldom something is completely independent.

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It's a team effort a lot of times, right? So

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let's take the credit, but then also thank others.

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So her example was, I'm really proud of the results

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we drove. Conversions increased and timelines

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improved. Huge thanks to Kristen and Aaron for

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their partnership to make it happen. So I'm saying

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I'm really proud we drove results, but I'm also

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thanking my other team members who helped me

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get this project done. So you signaled confidence,

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I delivered impact, and I was signaling warmth.

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I value others and I recognize contributions.

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And the other piece of this is just don't self

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-deprecate. Again, we need to be comfortable

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with self -promotion. And so we don't have to

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act shy about it or deflect or completely give

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credit to somebody else. Take the credit that

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you deserve and also thank the others who were

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part of it. The quick lift move here is use a

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brag and thanks once this week. Maybe it's a

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weekly update to your boss, a project recap email,

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a meeting shout out, a LinkedIn post, whatever

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it is. I am sure you can find one thing that

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you can put out there that you've been part of

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and contributed to show your confidence, but

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then also thank others. The last takeaway was

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around tough conversations and thinking past,

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present, and future signals. Allison's reframe

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is gold. A difficult conversation is not just

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that moment. It's on a relationship timeline.

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So we'll start with the present and in the moment.

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And if you have to have that tough conversation

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with someone on your team, you need to show that

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you care and that you're right. and that you're

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informed. The past part of that is building respect

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before you need to have that conversation. So

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when tough conversations happen, you already

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have that relationship built. You have that confidence

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between each other that you have everyone's right

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intentions in place. And you can have that conversation,

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hopefully a little bit easier. And then you think

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about the future because sometimes you're going

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to have a tough conversation and it's just not

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going to go well. Maybe you came across too harsh.

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Maybe you didn't come across harsh enough, but

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you're human. These things are going to happen

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and you can repair that with future signals.

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So say you have a tough conversation with someone

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on your team after that happens in the coming

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weeks doesn't have to be 24 hours later. Think

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about how you can show your support, your feedback,

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your opportunities, your acknowledgement. It's

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just a blip on a timeline and you have to figure

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out how to move on. But this is where I think

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a lot of women struggle because they don't want

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to have the tough conversations because they

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like the person they want to be likable. But

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those tough conversations have to happen. Because

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if you do ignore them, or you don't have them,

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or you're too nice during the conversation, you're

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going to start to lose respect from those around

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you. So have the tough conversation, but do it

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in a caring way. But make sure you're getting

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your point across. So the quick lift move here

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is before the next tough conversation that you

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have to have planned for it, write two lines.

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How will you show that you care? Then how are

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you also going to show that you're clear and

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confident? And again, this is a balance. This

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is something that I certainly have struggled

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with where I did care about the person and it

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was one blip in time, but I needed to get a point

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across. And I know there was times where I was

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too nice and I didn't come across harsh enough

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with my point. But then there's also times that

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maybe I came across too harsh. So it's a balance.

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It's a fine line. You have to be really intentional.

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And I think The best way to do this is to practice.

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And maybe it's a conversation that you should

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have had. And now you're sitting here thinking

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about, wow, a couple of weeks ago I really should

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have had that conversation with that person.

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And you didn't. So go back and do that exercise.

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Do it in your head. Do it in the car. Write it

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down. But go through those steps of what you

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should have said. Because if you continue to

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practice this, it just becomes easier. So here's

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your quick list summary. Status is built when

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people experience you as warm and capable. And

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move as usual. usually adding, not subtracting.

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Be intentional about building relationships and

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caring about others authentically, but also ensure

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you're getting shit done and doing what you say

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you will. If this hit home, share it with a friend

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who's trying to be respected without turning

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into someone she doesn't recognize. And if you

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want more Allison, start at her website and the

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newsletter The Upper Hand. We'll link everything

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in the show notes. Thanks for listening to Loud

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and Lifted. Until next time, stay loud, be likable,

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and don't forget to be a badass. you