Quick Lift: Handling Narcissists, Bullies & Micromanagers bosses

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.980
Have you ever worked for someone who made you

00:00:01.980 --> 00:00:04.320
think, is this a job or am I being monitored

00:00:04.320 --> 00:00:07.860
like a toddler? Yeah, same. Welcome to Allowed

00:00:07.860 --> 00:00:10.099
and Lifted Quick Lift, the under 10 minute episode

00:00:10.099 --> 00:00:12.339
where we take big insights and turn them into

00:00:12.339 --> 00:00:15.060
small, repeatable moves you can use this week.

00:00:15.619 --> 00:00:18.039
I'm your host, Betsy Hamm. Today, I'm recapping

00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:20.809
my conversation with Linda Harvey. also known

00:00:20.809 --> 00:00:24.570
as the management guru on TikTok. And we're focusing

00:00:24.570 --> 00:00:27.370
on the kind of leadership situations that can

00:00:27.370 --> 00:00:30.469
drain your confidence fast. The micromanager,

00:00:30.789 --> 00:00:33.789
the narcissistic boss, and the workplace bully.

00:00:34.549 --> 00:00:36.630
This quick lift is your playbook for staying

00:00:36.630 --> 00:00:39.469
steady, strategic, and protected because you

00:00:39.469 --> 00:00:41.649
don't have to get bonus points for suffering

00:00:41.649 --> 00:00:53.719
quietly. Let's jump in. Takeaway number one,

00:00:54.039 --> 00:00:58.979
why micromanage? And there are two types. Micromanagement

00:00:58.979 --> 00:01:01.500
usually looks like control, but underneath it

00:01:01.500 --> 00:01:04.849
all, it's almost always based on fear. Linda

00:01:04.849 --> 00:01:06.450
broke it down like this, that there was really

00:01:06.450 --> 00:01:09.950
two main types of micromanagers. Number one is

00:01:09.950 --> 00:01:13.790
the, I don't trust you yet, micromanager. They

00:01:13.790 --> 00:01:15.829
hover because they're worried you're going to

00:01:15.829 --> 00:01:18.329
miss something, make them look bad, or create

00:01:18.329 --> 00:01:20.590
a mess that they'll have to clean up. This can

00:01:20.590 --> 00:01:23.090
show up with new leaders, especially, or maybe

00:01:23.090 --> 00:01:25.870
new teams, or maybe if you're new with an organization

00:01:25.870 --> 00:01:29.040
or after you did make a mistake. The opportunity

00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:32.060
here, though, is sometimes you can improve this

00:01:32.060 --> 00:01:34.700
dynamic by building trust through consistency

00:01:34.700 --> 00:01:37.840
and clarity. We'll get to that in a moment. The

00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:40.799
second type of micromanager is the I need to

00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:44.280
feel powerful. This is the one who needs control

00:01:44.280 --> 00:01:47.280
to feel important. They rewrite your emails.

00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:50.459
They nitpick everything and make you feel like

00:01:50.459 --> 00:01:52.780
nothing is ever quite right if they didn't do

00:01:52.780 --> 00:01:55.599
it themselves. And you may be crushing it. The

00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:58.439
reality is this type is harder to fix because

00:01:58.439 --> 00:02:02.019
the micromanagement is tied to ego, not performance.

00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:04.959
It actually has nothing to do with you. So the

00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:07.840
question is, is the micromanagement temporary

00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:11.939
and situational or is it their leadership personality?

00:02:12.520 --> 00:02:16.259
This distinction changes your strategy. So, what

00:02:16.259 --> 00:02:18.819
do you do? How can you train your boss or get

00:02:18.819 --> 00:02:21.319
them to change? And yes, really, you can train

00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.539
your boss in certain situations. So, the most

00:02:24.539 --> 00:02:28.000
useful practical move in this situation is if

00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:32.199
your boss is predictable, use that. Linda's example

00:02:32.199 --> 00:02:35.409
is gold. If your boss always calls you at 4 o

00:02:35.409 --> 00:02:38.330
'clock to check the progress or for a check -in,

00:02:38.449 --> 00:02:42.330
call them at 345 with the update first. Why this

00:02:42.330 --> 00:02:45.009
works. It gives them the reassurance they're

00:02:45.009 --> 00:02:48.310
hunting for, but it puts you in control of the

00:02:48.310 --> 00:02:51.729
narrative and it slowly retrains the nervous

00:02:51.729 --> 00:02:54.710
system so that you've got it handled. So this

00:02:54.710 --> 00:02:56.990
train your boss method again, this probably works

00:02:56.990 --> 00:02:59.610
with type one, not type two of the micromanager.

00:02:59.710 --> 00:03:02.360
That's a harder one to crack, but Try this for

00:03:02.360 --> 00:03:04.819
one week. Observe their patterns. What do they

00:03:04.819 --> 00:03:07.439
ask for every time? What makes them anxious?

00:03:08.039 --> 00:03:11.340
When do they typically check in? And then create

00:03:11.340 --> 00:03:14.199
an auto update rhythm. Maybe it's a quick daily

00:03:14.199 --> 00:03:16.639
recap. It's an end of the day bullet list. It's

00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:19.560
a weekly status snapshot. Pre -answer the questions

00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:22.400
if they always ask. Where are we in this? Did

00:03:22.400 --> 00:03:25.939
you get my email? What's next? Then include those

00:03:25.939 --> 00:03:29.419
answers in your update. before they ask. You're

00:03:29.419 --> 00:03:31.479
really not giving in. You're protecting your

00:03:31.479 --> 00:03:34.800
time and building trust strategically. Again,

00:03:34.960 --> 00:03:36.939
this is going to work with option or type number

00:03:36.939 --> 00:03:38.819
one. This may not work with type number two,

00:03:38.840 --> 00:03:41.539
but it's probably worth an attempt to see if

00:03:41.539 --> 00:03:44.870
you can change the relationship. So that's how

00:03:44.870 --> 00:03:48.069
we will handle a micromanager boss. Number two,

00:03:48.349 --> 00:03:51.330
how narcissistic leaders operate. Now, this is

00:03:51.330 --> 00:03:54.110
when it gets real. A narcissistic boss isn't

00:03:54.110 --> 00:03:56.870
just difficult. They tend to follow a pattern.

00:03:57.409 --> 00:03:59.710
There's no accountability. They're gaslighting

00:03:59.710 --> 00:04:01.889
you. You remember it one way. They said it happened

00:04:01.889 --> 00:04:04.969
another way. They're always controlling the narrative.

00:04:05.530 --> 00:04:08.409
They give you praise and tell you outshine them.

00:04:08.490 --> 00:04:11.069
And then suddenly it's criticism, exclusion,

00:04:11.430 --> 00:04:14.210
weird power moves. The hard truth Linda shared

00:04:14.210 --> 00:04:17.310
is you don't usually win with a narcissist by

00:04:17.310 --> 00:04:20.149
confronting them head on. There's too much ego,

00:04:20.209 --> 00:04:22.850
psychological things going on that you're honestly

00:04:22.850 --> 00:04:26.040
not going to fix for them. But you can win by

00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:29.000
staying steady, staying smart, and protecting

00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:31.639
yourself. So the approach that Linda shared during

00:04:31.639 --> 00:04:34.639
this part was to the calm detached approach,

00:04:34.939 --> 00:04:38.060
the gray rock plus the follow -up notes. So these

00:04:38.060 --> 00:04:41.160
are two tools that are simple and powerful. So

00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:44.639
first, the gray rock theory. This is the boring

00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:48.800
safe method. When a narcissist or any emotionally

00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:51.720
volatile leader does this, you keep your tone

00:04:51.720 --> 00:04:54.920
neutral. Keep your responses short. Don't over

00:04:54.920 --> 00:04:57.459
explain. Don't get pulled into the drama and

00:04:57.459 --> 00:05:00.500
don't take the bait. You become a gray rock.

00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:04.860
Not fun, not reactive, not a target. Most narcissists

00:05:04.860 --> 00:05:07.759
love the engagement and getting you riled up

00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:10.420
and getting having that fear and anxiety just

00:05:10.420 --> 00:05:12.480
sort of looming over your head. That's what they

00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:16.319
thrive on. So if you can pull back and not feed

00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:18.240
that, then hopefully that will at least help

00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:20.870
them to maybe go. pick on somebody else or do

00:05:20.870 --> 00:05:23.430
it to somebody else. But it's really about being

00:05:23.430 --> 00:05:25.550
like a gray rock, a little boring, but you're

00:05:25.550 --> 00:05:28.329
being safe. The second part of her suggestion

00:05:28.329 --> 00:05:30.449
of how to deal with the narcissistic boss is

00:05:30.449 --> 00:05:33.670
the follow -up notes. And this is really like

00:05:33.670 --> 00:05:36.829
the receipts without being petty. After conversations,

00:05:37.329 --> 00:05:39.290
especially confusing ones where they are probably

00:05:39.290 --> 00:05:41.209
talking in circles and you're not really sure

00:05:41.209 --> 00:05:44.689
where you stand or what next, send a quick recap

00:05:44.689 --> 00:05:47.889
email. And this is a great idea if you have a

00:05:47.889 --> 00:05:49.410
conversation with anyone that you're just not

00:05:49.410 --> 00:05:51.370
quite sure if you both left on the same page

00:05:51.370 --> 00:05:53.209
and if it's going to come back to bite you especially.

00:05:54.029 --> 00:05:56.610
can keep it simple. You don't have to sound overly

00:05:56.610 --> 00:05:59.810
professional or HR -ish about it, but you just

00:05:59.810 --> 00:06:03.250
want to confirm that we aligned on X. You went

00:06:03.250 --> 00:06:05.750
X by Thursday, you're going to do Y, and they

00:06:05.750 --> 00:06:08.129
will handle Z, whatever it is. But it's just

00:06:08.129 --> 00:06:10.829
a quick recap to assure that you are aligned.

00:06:11.209 --> 00:06:14.230
And this matters a lot because it reduces that

00:06:14.230 --> 00:06:17.550
he said, she said, and it creates clarity. And

00:06:17.550 --> 00:06:20.569
if the story changes later, you've got documentation.

00:06:20.879 --> 00:06:23.259
This is the grown up version of I'm not arguing

00:06:23.259 --> 00:06:25.560
with you, I'm just saving this for later. And

00:06:25.560 --> 00:06:27.560
again, if there's ever any kind of conversation

00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:29.560
where there isn't clarity at the end and you're

00:06:29.560 --> 00:06:31.860
not sure in the same page, just a quick bullet

00:06:31.860 --> 00:06:34.199
email with what you heard and what was happening

00:06:34.199 --> 00:06:38.449
next can go a long way. And last kind of leader

00:06:38.449 --> 00:06:42.350
is a workplace bully. And the way to handle this

00:06:42.350 --> 00:06:45.029
is, unfortunately, to document like a detective.

00:06:45.810 --> 00:06:48.649
Bullying isn't strong leadership. It's not just

00:06:48.649 --> 00:06:51.509
their style. It's a threat to psychological safety,

00:06:51.509 --> 00:06:54.610
and it deserves a real response plan. So step

00:06:54.610 --> 00:06:56.910
one is you're going to document, not feelings.

00:06:57.379 --> 00:06:59.399
Facts. And this is, I think, sometimes where

00:06:59.399 --> 00:07:01.899
people get wrong, where they want to go to HR,

00:07:02.100 --> 00:07:03.680
or they want to go to their boss's boss, and

00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:06.439
they talk about the feelings. I feel this. It

00:07:06.439 --> 00:07:08.560
has to be the facts, the date and time something

00:07:08.560 --> 00:07:11.279
happened, what was said or done. Wording matters.

00:07:11.620 --> 00:07:13.959
Who witnessed it? And then the impact on the

00:07:13.959 --> 00:07:16.420
work, if there was missed deadlines, public humiliation,

00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:20.060
anything along those lines. Step two is, if it's

00:07:20.060 --> 00:07:22.620
safe, try the conversation. Sometimes naming

00:07:22.620 --> 00:07:25.980
it directly can stop it, especially if the thoughtless

00:07:25.980 --> 00:07:29.079
behavior versus targeted abuse. But safety matters,

00:07:29.420 --> 00:07:31.720
so... If you can bring it up and feel that you're

00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:33.879
not going to be treated even more than I would

00:07:33.879 --> 00:07:36.060
strongly suggest it. Sometimes something that

00:07:36.060 --> 00:07:38.199
may make it feel like it's a bullying tactic

00:07:38.199 --> 00:07:40.660
to you could just be the person being completely

00:07:40.660 --> 00:07:43.180
oblivious of the impact that their words or their

00:07:43.180 --> 00:07:46.639
behaviors have on you. So when in doubt, at least

00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:48.779
have the conversation first. And I'd go back

00:07:48.779 --> 00:07:50.959
to the conversation tips that we learned from

00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:53.319
Sarita about how to handle difficult conversations

00:07:53.319 --> 00:07:56.019
from season one. So if you do that and you have

00:07:56.019 --> 00:07:58.180
this conversation, or maybe you decide not to,

00:07:58.199 --> 00:07:59.879
then you have to figure out the next step is

00:07:59.879 --> 00:08:02.860
if you can escalate it appropriately. HR, if

00:08:02.860 --> 00:08:05.779
you have it. And this is always a tough part

00:08:05.779 --> 00:08:07.779
too, right? How do you approach it? But going

00:08:07.779 --> 00:08:11.100
to HR with the facts is the best approach. And

00:08:11.100 --> 00:08:13.240
here's the line I want you to remember when you

00:08:13.240 --> 00:08:15.939
do this. If leadership protects the bully, then

00:08:15.939 --> 00:08:19.279
that's the culture. So go to HR, have the conversation,

00:08:19.439 --> 00:08:21.540
share the documentation that you've been keeping,

00:08:21.699 --> 00:08:24.639
but if nothing happens or... or it gets handled

00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:26.339
inappropriately, then you really need to take

00:08:26.339 --> 00:08:28.480
a look at your situation. Because at that point,

00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:31.560
your job becomes you needing to protect your

00:08:31.560 --> 00:08:35.000
confidence, protecting your career record, and

00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:37.480
protecting the next move that you're going to

00:08:37.480 --> 00:08:41.340
make. Which leads to the do I stay or do I go

00:08:41.340 --> 00:08:44.100
checklist. And this can be used with any three

00:08:44.100 --> 00:08:46.360
types of bosses. You need to ask yourself, is

00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:49.740
it improving or is it repeating? Am I growing

00:08:49.740 --> 00:08:53.440
here or am I shrinking here? Is there real accountability

00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:57.200
above this person? Is my health changing because

00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:00.399
of this job? Because no job is worth losing yourself

00:09:00.399 --> 00:09:02.820
or being completely stressed out because of the

00:09:02.820 --> 00:09:05.340
way that your relationship is with your boss.

00:09:06.179 --> 00:09:08.360
There's a reason why people always say most employees

00:09:08.360 --> 00:09:11.700
leave their boss, not their company. And I definitely

00:09:11.700 --> 00:09:14.340
have seen that happen throughout my career to

00:09:14.340 --> 00:09:17.090
any friends or even coworkers. So. These three

00:09:17.090 --> 00:09:19.250
bosses are incredibly difficult to deal with

00:09:19.250 --> 00:09:21.490
and challenging to fix, and you're not going

00:09:21.490 --> 00:09:24.370
to fix them. So if you're dealing with a micromanager,

00:09:24.490 --> 00:09:27.769
get proactive and set the rhythm. If it's a narcissist,

00:09:28.110 --> 00:09:31.370
detach, document, and protect your energy. And

00:09:31.370 --> 00:09:34.450
if it's bullying, you need the facts, the receipts,

00:09:34.649 --> 00:09:37.610
an escalation, and a plan. If this episode helps

00:09:37.610 --> 00:09:39.509
you, send to a friend who's currently rage applying

00:09:39.509 --> 00:09:41.789
on LinkedIn at midnight. We've all been her.

00:09:41.909 --> 00:09:44.570
And if you haven't yet, follow or subscribe and

00:09:44.570 --> 00:09:46.610
leave a quick rating. It helps Mormon find the

00:09:46.610 --> 00:09:48.470
show and build their confidence and leadership

00:09:48.470 --> 00:09:51.470
tools in the real world. Thanks for listening.

00:09:51.730 --> 00:09:54.649
Until next time, stay loud, stay lifted and protect

00:09:54.649 --> 00:09:55.269
your peace.